Scanners

A harrowing battle scene. Suck it, Braveheart.

The basic premise of Scanners involves people with super brain powers engaging in psychic dueling, which is not particularly cinematic.  The best the filmmakers could do is show two people squinting really constipatedly until someone’s head explodes.  Try this: Go to a bathroom where someone has just finished a particularly nasty bit of business.  Look at yourself in the mirror and try to divide 1,486 by 29 in your head.  See that series of expressions on your face?  That’s almost every scene in the movie.

The exact psychic powers that all these mutants, called Scanners, have are poorly defined.  Sometimes they can barely distract a ferret and the next minute they can make a phone booth explode.  That’s a pretty impressive power given how the only thing flammable in there is the yellow pages.  Then again, this was the 80’s, so everything is probably coated in hairspray.  The abilities of the Scanners waxes and wanes with the needs of the plot.  It’s basically X-men but with no unique abilities or budget.  There might have been more to the story than that, but I kind of fell asleep for some of it.  I dreamt of unicorns!

The climax is a duel between the bad and good Scanners that is mostly a lot of sweating and grunting, leading to my wife coming in sleepily and asking me to turn down the gay porn again.  Eventually, body parts start exploding and catching fire until somebody wins by doing something that is never previously established as possible.  Look, sci-fi has enough problems not being terrible.  At least establish some rules so I understand what’s at stake, or at least what’s happening, during the climatic fight.  Otherwise I’m just watching sweaty dudes making eyes at one another and that makes me uncomfortable.

Rating: Musty

Did I fast-forward: Only in my dreams.