"Help! She fell asleep during the second hour!"
Most of the fun in watching with Dances with Wolves is using the scenes where nothing is happening (most of the film) to think of Indian names for all your friends. The alternative is to watch Kevin Costner blunder his way through another 3+ hour movie that moves with all the alacrity of an empty tortoise shell glued to an empty snail shell. Speaking of which, next time you criticize a turtle or snail for being slow, you see how fast you move while carrying your house, or even just box of books, around with you, He-Man.
In Dances with the Wolves, a sequence of poorly explained and homelessly justified events leads Kevin Costner to end up in the middle of the prairie in the middle of the Civil War. There, he meets a batch of Native Americans that are like, totally cool, and way better than any white person ever. That’s the first hour and a half of the movie. The second half of the movie I don’t want to spoil for you. Also, I didn’t watch most of it.
Aside from Kevin Costner being his usual Kevin Costner-y self (a plank of wood), the movie’s nothing but glamorizing Native Americans, demonizing Whitey, and some pets with more personality than anyone in the movie. There is literally nothing here that you haven’t seen a million times before, except some photography that makes the Great Plains look way more exciting than they actually are.
Rating: Musty
Did I fast forward: Yes, and my only regret is not fast forwarding more.
Posted by dagrabbit 
