The Big Lebowski

Dude.

The Big Lebowski  is a stoner movie, which means you either need to be a sixteen year old or a stoned 35 year old to enjoy it.  At my advanced age, it’s not cool to hang out with sixteen year old boys, and my stoner neighbor got arrested recently, so I’m forced to fall back on my own counsel.  My counsel says that this movie sucks.  Everybody in the movie is an idiot, and do a bunch of idiotic things while non-sequitors circle them like stoned vultures.  Rather than being funny, the movie settles for being weird and off-putting.

The main character has a name, but prefers to go by the name “the Dude.”  Every character in the movie talks about how inspiring it is that he’s so relaxed (stoned), but he spends the entire movie freaking out about one thing after another.  I’m more chill than he is, and I just slapped a hobo because I ran out of toothpaste.  His crazy friend is more fun, and also gets to live out a fantasy of mine by telling Steve Buscemi to shut up every time he opens the misshapen teeth-lined maw he calls a mouth.

There’s a lot of time spent in a bowling alley, so we see a ridiculous amount of footage of the camera rolling down the alley, rolling through the ball return, and hanging out inside the ball itself.  My best guess is someone made a student film showing off how clever he was with bowling ball metaphors and some movie dude did another line of cocaine and said, “This is awesome!  Make it 117 minutes long!”  Struggling to pad the run time, he made the characters repeat every line of dialogue 17 times like a stuttering West Wing parody.  There are only a dozen unique lines of dialog in the movie, probably even less if you remove all the times they say “dude.”

Rating: Musty

Did I fast forward: Yes

The Prince and the Showgirl

Feel the passion!

In the interest of full disclosure, no one has ever considered The Prince and the Showgirl a must-see movie.  Any movie featuring Laurence Olivier, one of the most respected thespians of all time, and Marilyn Monroe, who is…not, as a romantic comedy couple is probably better lost to the mists of time.

For the first thirty minutes, we watch as Olivier does his level best to date rape Monroe.  As the titular Prince, he tries to make it with whatever hot piece of tail he stumbles across when visiting England.  Monroe wardrobe malfunctions her way into his heart, so he plies her with alcohol, lies to her, and blocks the exits from his bedroom.  At some point, Stockholm Syndrome sets in and Monroe is suddenly convinced she loves him.

By this time, the Prince has begun to have date raper’s remorse, since Monroe won’t shut up with that high-pitched giggly voice of hers.  The stalker becomes the stalkee as Monroe keeps finding ways to impose herself on the Prince’s social circle before he’s forced to flee the country.  Supposedly the Prince has fallen in love with her before he ditches her for eighteen months, but even Laurence Olivier can’t sell that. 

Even beyond the awkward romance, the movie is inexplicable. Much of the movie deals with the political intrigue between the Prince and his son.  The Prince’s son plans to overthrow him, but is convinced not to by Monroe, possibly just to quiet her bat squeals.  Somehow the Prince says this happy turn of events could lead to civil war in the Balkans.  Since this is 1911, the movie might be implying that Marilyn Monroe started World War I.  For that theory alone, this weird little movie is worth a watch.

Rating: Must-see

Did I fast-forward: No.  Muting is not the same as fast-forwarding.

The Ghost and Mrs. Muir

Mrs. Muir's Parenting Advice: Lock your child in a box with a flatulent dog. They'll never expect that!

The Ghost and Mrs. Muir is a 1947 raunchy sex comedy.  It’s the predecessor to Porky’s and American Pie.  I know, it sounds far-fetched, but take a look at the evidence.  Mrs. Muir is a recently-widowed woman who leaves her all-girl living situation to get some freedom.  She buys a house, largely because no one wants her to.  It’s inhabited by an ornery sea captain’s ghost.  The ghost watches her sleep and undress, and insists Mrs. Muir keep a picture of him hanging on her wall.  He swears excessively, comments on Mrs. Muir’s “needs”, and together they launch into a crazy scheme to save the rec center his house.  There’s constant talk of seamen and a playa that bounces from woman to woman.  It’s just one farting dog short of a direct-to-DVD National Lampoon release.

Now, with such strong language, such as “Blast!” and “Confound it!”, you may think I’m an irresponsible parent for letting my toddler watch this.  Well, I’ve got nothing on Mrs. Muir, since she leaves her pre-teen daughter alone on a beach in the care of a creepy old man that she’s never met before.  Later, she allows her daughter to marry a man she’s never met before just because he’s so dreamy.  Mrs. Muir also finds it flattering when she discovers the playa drawing pictures of her in her bathing suit.  Her entire personality boils down to not doing what anyone expects her to do, leading to some terrible decisions.  The titular ghost doesn’t get off much better, since his entire personality is summed up by “salty.”  The movie itself drags when the ghost isn’t on-screen, but for the rest of the time it’s funny and full of 40’s innuendo.

Rating: Must-See

Did I fast-forward: I almost did during a long-winded speech at the end, but I held back.

Pirates of the Carribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

A picture of one person.

Despite having entirely too many words in the title, Pirates of the Carribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl is a pretty entertaining movie.  It’s got pirates, zombie pirates, and Johnny Depp playing a gay pirate.  The plot involves a main character that is most notable for not being Johnny Depp trying to rescue his one true love from some pirates.  Johnny Depp comes along for the trip because Orlando Bloom is the blandest human being that ever attempted to become a movie star.  My eyes just kind of slide right over him while he’s on-screen, causing me to wonder why various actors are emoting at furniture.  At least there’s usually a monkey around.  Every movie would be better with a monkey it.  Especially The Godfather.

The only real flaws with movie are that it’s a little long and not as awesome as it could have been given the strong premise (zombie pirates!)  Oh, and it spawned two incredibly awful sequels that have similarly long titles but a dissimilar amount of entertainment.  Still, it’s a top notch adventure comedy, but since it recently made more than the GDP of some countries at the box office and retail, I suspect you already knew that.

Rating: Must-See

Did I fast forward: No.

The General

Trains as far as the eye can see.

According to 501 Must-See Movies, The General is Buster Keaton’s finest work.  Having not seen any other Buster Keaton movies, and only having a vague idea of who he is based on Roger Ebert comparing him to Jackie Chan, I cannot really say if that is the case.  I can, however, say two things:

1. Dude likes his trains.

2. I’d rather watch The Medallion than watch any more Buster Keaton movies.

I’m sure that, for the 20’s, this movie was hilarious.  However comedy doesn’t transfer across generations very well, so we’re left with a bunch of people making silly exaggerated faces while riding on trains.  There is a lot of train riding in this movie.  It’s like 80% trains, and 20% Confederate Army propaganda. 

See, Buster wants to join the Rebels, but can’t because he has to drive a train.  He has to save the day and the girl when some Yankees steal his train.  This primarily involves throwing things on the track to slow down one train or another for an agonizingly long period of time.  Buster’s known for a brand of physical comedy not unlike Jackie Chan’s, but there’s very little of that in this movie.  But Sweet Moses, there’s a lot of trains.

Rating: Musty

Did I fast forward: Only through the train parts.